Skip to main content

tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  March 8, 2016 1:37am-2:11am PST

1:37 am
u know. [landslide playing] - ♪ i took my love ♪ took it down ♪ i climbed a mountain and i turned around ♪ ♪ and i saw my reflection ♪ in the snow-covered hills ♪ till the landslide... - you were sticking these in your ass, cartman? all: ugh! - ♪ and if you see my reflection ♪ ♪ in the snow-covered hills ♪ well, the landslide will bring it down ♪ ♪ oh ♪ the landslide will bring it down ♪ [laughter and metal clanging] - oh, that's good. i like that! [slide whistle ascending] big harry and mike in the morning talking about two and a half men. i think ashton kutcher makes it the show to be seen, mike.
1:38 am
- yeah, but what about that movie dolphin tale? i am psyched for that! - dolphin tale! big harry and mike in the morning. let's hear from the band sledgejammer and their song-- [knock on door] - dude, we're gonna go see the new zookeeper movie. - zookeeper 2: zookeepier! - 'kay. coming. >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with trevor noah.
1:39 am
(cheers and applause). >> trevor: welcome to the daily show, i'm trevor noah. thank you so much. my guest tonight from broad city ilana glaryz and abbi jacobson, everybody. but before we begin tonight, i just want to say fairwell to peyton manning. one of the greatest quarterbacks in history. he is the all-time leader in passing, touchdowns, quarterback wins and balls on a trainers face, allegedly, allegedly, allegedly am he announced today that he is retooring from the nfl after 18 years, yeah. apparently he wants to spend more time with his sponsors. he will be rich, i mean missed. (applause) fairwell, peyton. so from one man covered in orange to another, i--
1:40 am
(laughter) i think we can all agree donald trump is the best thing to happen to politics. no, no, no. hear me out. hear me out. cuz there was a time when for most people watching primary debates was a chor. and one of those chores that you don't have to do, you know, like dusting the toilet. but now thanks to trump, people are once again engeajed in the democratic process, hoping, just hoping to catch moments like this. >> he referred to my hands, if they're small, something else must be small. i guarantee you, there's no problem. i guarantee you. >> trevor: that's right. that, that was a prime time presidential debate, where the frontrunner reassured the american public that he has a huge penis. now, now the thing that people don't really know is, it's actually someone else's huge penis and trump just licenses his name on it.
1:41 am
that's all that is. (applause) but funny thing, sometimes what happens when you're as perfectly endowed as donald trump is that the next morning, it's the other person who wakes up smiling and satisfied. >> ted cruz wakes up with new momentum in the republican presidential race this morning. >> ted cruz prevailed in both kansas and maine. >> trump still the frontrunner but after last night, you can see druz is nipping at his heels. >> erasing some of trump's sizeable lead with two big wins. >> trevor: yes, so donald trump may have had a huge lead but it turns out that cruz is a grower, not a shower. the senator from texas surprisingly beat trump in maine and he crushed him in kansas. and if you are wondering about rubio, well, he lost in a lot of places. but that was only because he got spheuer votes. and besides, the weekend wasn't all bad you ins for little marco. >> in the island of puerto rico, i won 70% of the vote. i won that primary.
1:42 am
>> trevor: now you know what is funny, you know what is funny is, when i heard this i was like wait, puerto rico can vote for president? and the answer is not really. they're a territory, not a state. and come november they get no votes in the general election at all. yeah, but good job, marco rubio. you only have to go a few hundred miles offshore to find a place that wants you to be president. i like that. well done. now you may be wondering why are people like rubio who has won so far minnesota and an island who can't for vote for president and john kasich who has won even less staying in the race. good question, why are they staying in the race? well, it's because of the republican's new brilliant strategy for stopping trump. >> in order to stop trump from collecting the number of delegates that would put him over the top and secure him the nom nation, it's imperative that all the candidates that are in race now stay in the race at least until the convention so that he won't collect enough delegates and they can be scattered among the candidates. >> trevor: i love this,
1:43 am
basically they're praying for chaos. yeah, because if the republican establishment can just prevent trump from getting a majority of delegates before the july convention, then they can throw out all the primary votes and pick the nominee themselves. and this isn't a secret plan either. they're fairly open about this. >> the rubio campaign is reportedly already drafted plans to overtake trump in a contested convention. >> you have kasich coming out today and saying that he sees a pathway for himself to the nomination. it's called being annointed at the convention. >> trevor: ah, democracy. where every vote counts as long as that vote doesn't go against the people who actually control the party in which case they will disregard your vote, replace it with their vote and then every vote will count. democracy. (applause). >> trevor: to intentionally throw your party into chaos meens you are up against something you've never seen
1:44 am
before. because donald trump is, well, they say it best. >> donald trump is a conartist. >> whose word was make you embarrassed if your children repeated them. >> i think he's very devicive. >> he is trying to con people into giving him their vote. >> donald has been part of the corruption in washington. >> he de frauded people out of things. >> done 589d has a tinnous relationship with the truth. >> trevor: i love how cruz is like trump's corrupt and embarrassing, and then at the end, he says oh, and he has a tenuous relationship with the truth. and you mielt be wondering, why doesn't cruz just call him a liar. that is because cruz has trademarked that for himself. so all these more responsible candidates are saying that a trump presidency would be a total disaster for america. that is what they say. and they would do anything it takes to stop him. except the main thing. >> you can definitively say will you support the republican nominee even if that nominee is donald j. trump?
1:45 am
senator rubio, yes or no? >> i will support the republican nominee. >> governor kasich, yes or no. >> i will support whoever is the republican nominee for president. >> senator cruz. >> yes, because i gave my word that i would. >> trevor: trust ted cruz to grow a conscience at the worst possible time. this is when we need you to go back on your word, ted cruz! this is when you can use your a morality for good! now you lie. now! i don't understand these guys. these men are standing on stage telling you that no one should ever vote for donald trump, and then the very next moment they all say that they would all support donald trump for president. now the big question is why would they do that? because at the beginning of the race, my friend, at the beginning of the race, a little pinky promise. >> a loyalty pledge, the rnc is circulating to the president's presidential candidates. by signing on the dotted line the field of 17 vows to back the eventual nominee.
1:46 am
>> donald trump siend the republican national committee loyalty pledge. >> ah, rumple stilt skin. the republican loyalty pledge, like a purity ring for conservatives where they promise to save themselves for mr. far-right. now you see, they made trump sign the pledge, to support the eventual nominee no matter what. but they also signed it too. and at the time they thought it was to trick donald trump into supporting one of them. but now their plan has become fierd. it's like the old roadrunner cartoon. you know, and the republican establishment is like wile e i couldty. -- coyote. >> binge binge. bong bong, binge binge binge. (applause).
1:47 am
>> trevor: can i just take a second to acknowledge how cool it is that we didn't have to put the words bing, bing into donald trump's mouth. so ladies and gentlemen, the great debate, does donald trump have a small or large penis? i got to say personally, i think it's huge. after all, he's using it to [bleep] the entire republican party. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
1:48 am
what brand of makeup is better for your skin than wearing no makeup at all? neutrogena® cosmetics. powders, concealers and foundations in new shades for more skin tones. with vitamins and antioxidants. your skin will look beautiful when you wear it and even after you take it off. neutrogena® cosmetics see what's possible. sfx: rocket blasting off sfx: (countdown) 3, 2, 1 rocket i am winnie, chantelle winnie. when my thirst is real? i release those crystal clear bubbles of sparkling
1:49 am
lemon-lime flavor. their crisp taste, and tingling sensation. cuts right through to give me exactly what i need. obey your thirst. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ can you say i love it? ♪ oh love it? ♪ can you say hey? ♪ hey! ♪ that's the spirit! oooooh.♪ ♪ ooh ooh ♪ wooh ooh ♪ wooh ooh ♪ sing sing, baby baby i love you. oh yes.♪ ♪ ooooh oooh. ♪ every little thing. ♪ ooooh oooh. hey there, can i help you with anything? hey siri, what's at&t's latest offer? oh, i don't think that siri can... right now, switch to at&t for an iphone and get one free. wow, is that right? yeah, it's basically... yes. that is the current offer from at&t. okay siri, you don't know everything. well, i know you asked me to call you the at&t hostess with the mostest. okay, shut her down. turn it off. right now, buy an iphone and get another one free when you add a second line.
1:50 am
(neighbor) yeah, so we're just bringing your son home. (dad) ah! greetings, neighbor. neighbor boy. he really loves our wireless directv receiver. (dad) he should know better. we're settlers. we settle for cable. but let us repay you for your troubles. fresh milk for the journey home? (neighbor) we live right there. (dad) salted meats? (neighbor) no thank you. (dad) hats then! (vo) don't be a settler, get a $100 reward card when you switch to directv. (cheers and applause). >> trevor: welcome back. now there was one other big piece of election news over the weekend. dr. ben carson gave the prognosis on his own presidential campaign. he did all he could but in the end it couldn't be saved. >> and i'm hopeful that maybe some people now that i am leaving the campaign
1:51 am
trail-- yeah. (laughter). >> trevor: its-- he condition even muster any energy when he's saying he's dropping out of the race. yeah. the guy sounds like he's deciding whether or not to have fries with his order. like, sir, do you want to make it a combo meal? yeah. are you sure, sir? you don't have to. >> yeah. >> trevor: he's like a human-- this is so fun. >> enough, enough. >> trevor: oh, it's roy wood, it's roy wood. (cheers and applause) is bhas' going on, man. >> what did i tell but ben carson, trevor? >> trevor: yeah, i know, roy. i know. that we shouldn't make fun of him because before he started acting crazy, his life was an
1:52 am
inspiration to the black community. and he was our best shot at going black to black in the white house. >> yes. that's right. look. i know carson's presidential campaign was a joke but black people used to look up to him. on my 16th birthday my mother gave me his book. i still have it. >> trevor: oh, have you read it? >> i have skimmed it. but that's not the point. look, man, ben carson rose from a rough detroit neighborhood. >> trevor: where he tried to stab his friend. >> to become one of the world's most renowned surgeon. >> trevor: so a professional stabber. >> he told us where you come from doesn't have to determine where you're going. >> trevor: he also told us that egyptians put grain in the pir mit-- pyramids. >> okay, that was one time. >> trevor: he said obamacare was the worst thing since slavery. >> took, two times. >> trevor: the president isn't truly a black man. >> i get it ben carson said [bleep] but everybody said [bleep]. at least he was calm during his campaign. that chipped away at the angry
1:53 am
black man certificate stereotype. >> trevor: because he was asleep the whole time. >> look, i'm with you. campaign was a disaster it completely overshadowed everything carson has accomplished that is why i am so sad. we just lost another black hero. first it was o.j., thens couldby, kayne barely keeping it together. (laughter) black people can't afford to lose heroes. we don't have that many. white people lose heroes and keep it moving. you think white people mission lance armstrong? (laughter) they don't miss that bike riding dude. as soon as he fell off, hey, mackel more, you up, it's your turn. >> trevor: come on, roy, that is not fair. that is not fair. there are many black heroes left. >> oh, who? who. what black people-- we down to oa-- obama an shonda rhimes. >> trevor: we haved golden state war warriors. >> they lost to the lakers they are dead to me. the poipt is the old ben carson
1:54 am
is gone and is never coming back. the plan determines a proper good-bye. ben carson you may never again be welcome at a black barbershop, one thing is for sure, if i ever become a con joined twin, i want to you do the surgery. i will miss you, dr. ben carson. ♪ every nap you take ♪ every bill you break ♪ ♪ i'll be missing you ♪ thinking of the day ♪ you desert all your book we read ♪ i'll be missing you oh yeah ♪ we'll be missing you (cheers and applause). >> trevor: roy wood, jr.,
1:55 am
everyone. we'll be right back. ♪ ♪ ♪ only those who dare... drive the world forward. introducing the first-ever cadillac ct6. i got minds to twist and alrivalues to warp.his. mr. tyler, your skittles portrait. that is e to the z oh twiddly dee-sgusting!
1:56 am
you haven't heard me sing diddly-ding yet. ♪ dream on! higher. ♪ dream on! i think a little higher! ♪ dreammmm onnnnnnnn! ♪ dreammm onnnn! rock the rainbow. taste the rainbow.
1:57 am
the access informationlows us to from anywhere. the microsoft cloud allows us to scale up. microsoft cloud changes our world dramatically. it wasn't too long ago it would take two weeks to sequence and analyze a genome. now, we can do a hundred per day. with the microsoft cloud we don't have to build server rooms. we have instant scale. the microsoft cloud is helping us to re-build and re-interpret our business. this cloud helps transform business. this is the microsoft cloud. case in point: our handcrafted at skydiving chamber.lways down for more... refueling! be hungry for more. just never be hungry. with premium pepperoni and 100% real cheese...
1:58 am
ding! hot pockets! and discovered the sprint network really is faster. plus, it's more reliable with better coverage than ever. to celebrate, we're extending our offer so you can save 50% on most rates from verizon... no more overpaying! ...at&t... bye, bye big bills! ...or t-mobile! i'm done with bill anxiety! we'll even cover your costs to switch up to $650 per line. 650? really? yup! so switch today.
1:59 am
>> trevor: welcome back. my guest tonights are the creators, writers and stars of comedy central's broad city. >> i need to you find and kill this rat bas tard.
2:00 am
>> it's me. >> come in. >> oh my god, did you know that you can like swipe left on tinder and that means you're not into the guy. i thought you had to meet up with every. >> what is happening in here. >> the cat is out of the bag. >>-- was not easy to remove from the bodegga but i have a [bleep] and i need it back up. >> please welcome ilana glazer and abbi jacobson. (cheers and applause) welcome. >> thank you. thank you so much. thank you for being here. >> thank you for having us. >> trevor: you guys look really glammed up. >> glam squad. >> yeah, we look good. >> glam squad. >> trevor: first of all, can we start off the topment i love broad city so much it is one of the funniest shows i have ever seen. it's so-- i think a lot of the success has been the fact that it is so different. that you set out to make it different or are you just
2:01 am
different? (laughter) that sounded neglect tifer and it wasn't negative. but you. >> i took it as positive. >> trevor: i was going. >> i took it as a compliment, jeez. >> i think what we set out to make this show, it was really just to make something. >> like it's funny, because coop, last week or two weeks ago, them switching, it's like so typical. so i don't think of it as different but i feel like we're doing classic stuff in our specific voice. you know what i mean? >> trevor: yeah. >> that was, you have seen that on every show or something. i don't know. >> trevor: not every shoavment the way you do what you do. i mean you have become leaders in comedy. a lot of people go what they are doing is changing culture, the way things are per received. for instance, before i watched your show i thought everyone had nice apartments in new york city. (laughter) like. >> you did. >> trevor: i'm not even
2:02 am
joking. >> i see sex and the city and friends and these types of shows and i'm like wow, people living good. and then i bet if someone watched broad city in parts of africa they would be like oh, they are also suffering. >> listen, we're trying to change people's-- yeah, we're trying to make some change on the show. starting with the set. >> trying to make the set crappier on tv. it reflects real life. >> i think it can even be crappier. when we first made, in the original pilot, we were so upset that my bedroom wasn't smaller to reflect reality. >> and everybody was like it's gross to film in a smaller-- and by the end of the day you are feeling the camera guy's balls and you are alike i get it, i get it let's make it bigger. >> trevor: i like how you spefd the specific cameraman, like where is it, oh, yes, yes, the cameraman's balls. >> the camera just moves back. >> trevor: do you feel like, because there is something, i mean we're in comedy in
2:03 am
different ways, obviously. but comedy umbrella and same net. >> the shows are pretty small. >> trevor: similar in what way? >> the camera elements. >> trevor: we have more than two. >> no two camera. >> trevor: in two camera. >> oh, sorry. sorry. >> trevor: that's not koosm you make me look dumb on tv. >> soree, it's your show, you're doing fine. >> trevor: so what is interesting to me, right-- is-- stop it, people, stop it what is interesting to me is how much-- is it pressure or is it just an accolade that has begun given when they go you are shifting cultures and more importantly for comedy, for women, you have this mantel that you have to look after. is that something that you feel or do you just make the show outside of that bubble? >> i think it's a little bit of both, especially going into this season. because we had a second to process people's reactions with the first two seasons. so there is definitely pressure
2:04 am
as people, as creative people, as comedians, as women, as all of those things. but i think at the end of the day we're just like let's just huddle up and make what we think is funny. >> we have been talking about. this season was the hardest to right and the funnest to shoot. >> trevor: why was that? >> we've been talking about its alike the first season it was infancy. second season was like wendy's big kid meal, you are like nine. and third season was adolescence and we're like praying that the fourth season is more like, whatever, a more a duption-- adult version and we have this like brain, i don't know, it's so-- i think we were like more self-aware and abbi was saying, between season one and season two, we just went right into it. we didn't have any time off. this is like two months of like, of just like thinking. and it just made it so-- so much harder it was like,u gh, you know, pitching a joke, you're like i'm gross. i'm not funny. i don't know, it is just like-- . >> trevor: you don't pick up that at all because it seems
2:05 am
like are you so confident. you don't picture self-doubt. >> there was an first episode that ilana and i have not shown anyone because it is all about a could be eller visit. they're going to the could be eller. they have to go and. >> it's just like not like the same thing but we were trying to get-- there was another episode we wrote, i mean six times. we wrote this episode six times. another episode, it was us literally written, i don't know what it is, every time wallace sean, we have literally written wallace sean into the show like six times and he's never fit finally made it because something happens. >> trevor: really. do you smoke weed when writing the show or is that shall-- no, no i just-- was that a part of just the show itself. >> we didn't-- okay, this is so bad. the first season i was smoking cigarettes in the stairwell, because i was like oh, god what are we doing what are we going
2:06 am
do. >> and she would come back and reek and i what, nothing. >> hand sanitizer. >> i feel like the camera man was you complain about my balls, you complain about my balls. >> but then, but like no weed. and this year it would be like 12 hours of writing and sometimes i would in the eight to ten hour. and 10th hour and i'm probably the only one. >> it is definitely not a thing we do in the room. but i would look like i'm going to take a hit. and that was-- it's not like-- it was just like whatever. >> trevor: you know what i love about it, what i love about it is you are doing something raw, authentic, original, new, and are you getting people's to come on. i mean this season whoopi goldberg coming on as a guest. that's amazing. >> yes. >> trevor: you have hillary clinton coming on as a guest. hillary clinton. >> that's amazing. and then to top it all off, you have been renewed for two more seasons, even though you are in the third season. >> (cheers and applause). >> trevor: so huge fans.
2:07 am
we'll keep on watching, broad city airs wednesday night at 10 p.m. on comedy central. ilana glazer and abbi jacobson, everybody. everybody. (cheers and applause) we wonerere. and here. and here. here. and here. uh, here. also in here. back there. behind here. even next to these guys, here. in the nation's largest, independent study, rootmetrics just named verizon number one network for the fifth time in a row, here. so when the other guys claim they're the best, remember: there's only one, number one. and now we'll pay up to $650 to switch to the best network. this one right here.
2:08 am
but this year, i can go to block and pay half, what i paid my other guy. you can switch to block and pay half too. half price is a better price, when you think about it. so follow us, we're going to h&r block. [richard] switch to block and pay half. 3d so you can do a ton ofponds tstuff in a lot less time.nger. like look at a site without going to it. or watch a video without opening it. you can do pretty much everything faster. shooting stuff. music stuff. couch shopping. shoe shopping. running. kind of. checking a flight from an email. i'm peeking my flight. i'm not peeking my flight. i'm peeking my...wait, i missed my flight. owl photos. desert photos. photos of... dolphins! a high-stepping man. pizza gifs. it's all faster with 3d touch on iphone 6s.
2:09 am
okayit's chewy.his? really icy. wooh. that's intense! it just hits you. its gum. no. it's totally a mint! it's disappearing as i am chewing it. where did it go? it's not a gum. not a mint. it's a breakthrough in cool. ice breakers cool blasts.
2:10 am
>> that's our show for tonight. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. theer is finally your moment of zen. >> isn't politics ♪

16 Views

info Stream Only

Uploaded by TV Archive on